It’s 3:33 AM and I really cant sleep for anything. We go see his N/O in about 6 1/2 hours. I can’t wait. NOT. I feel pretty sick about it. I almost don’t even want to know the results. I am sincerely hoping for the best but I am literally expecting the worst. Him and I were talking about it last night.

We were totally blindsided twice before; when they found the tumor to begin with and then when they told us it was cancer. What a f*cking nightmare. When they said they found a tumor and needed to take it out, the last thing on my mind was cancer.

It literally wasn’t even a thought in my head. I never thought twice about it, not even once. I remember when he was in rehab having a conversation with him about the pathology results. I was very positive and was so sure it would come back as a clean bill. That certainly was not the any means.

I couldn’t have been any more wrong about any of what we’ve been through in the last 3 months. Cancer has this way of shattering everything in it’s path and anything you’ve ever believed in or thought you’ve believed in before. It has no bounds. It has no limits. It has no mercy. This is what I am learning.

You hear about it, you read about it, you see your friends and family go through it. Nobody truly understands the pain and suffering on a daily basis that has to be dealt with behind the scenes.

Nobody is there to experience the restless nights tossing and turning in the bed. No one is there to experience the argumentative blow outs, I’m talking BLOW OUTS, that we experience on the daily. There is so much strain and stress on everything right now. That is due to the uncertainty of everything and the pressure of not really knowing how this is going to turn out.

It’s not easy to keep cool 24/7. Being 19 weeks pregnant certainly doesn’t help anything. The emotional and physical anguish and stress that my body is going through right now, really indescribable.

I have also never been more amazed with myself or Rob. Considering the daily hell we have to endure everyday, we are truly flourishing in ways I hadn’t thought possible before.

Our communication has never been better. We haven’t had a better understanding for one another since this screwed up journey that started early November in 2018.I choose to really highlight and recognize the positive. It is really difficult to even think positively at all in this situation in general. Like I said, it doesn’t really matter with this illness how positive and upbeat we are, it’s going to do what it wants anyway. There is almost nothing we can do about it..almost.

I have seen so many people with his dx have amazing results by switching diets and using CBD:THC oil a 1:1 ratio. People are doing extremely well on the keto diet. No sugar and no carbs. These are the biggest cancer feeders around. I don’t have faith in much but I do have faith in the power of science. We have been working on switching his diet up and getting our hands on the right oil. So, there is a bit of hope after all.

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